ok, so saturday we had some peeps over to play rockband and bullshit and drink and it was during this time that the truth that i had been trying stridently to ignore lept out at me like a crouching tiger or something. loyalty is not as important as happiness. the woman i'm in love with is not the woman i'm with. how shitty is that. ok, granted she is fiercely loyal, but can that outweigh the fact that just maintaining the relationship is becoming a chore? just being in the company of said person is becoming something to avoid. although the sex is wonderful, i'm struggling to find a reason to continue going through the motions. i feel like i owe it to myself to be happy but i also feel like i owe it to her to stick with her but i can't do that to myself anymore. i hate talking to her because i'm sick of hearing myself lie. but on the other hand, the object of my desire isn't a sure thing. but what is guaranteed in life anyway? isn't it the thrill of the chase and the risk of the failure that lets you truly appreciate the victories? i'm going to take the leap and see whether i sink or swim. "no sacrifice, no victory." to hell with it, i can't live like this anymore, i cant live this lie anymore. nothing is forever....

its strange that even 8,000 miles away, someone can irritate the shit out of you. but the real question is, "are you irritated at them or at yourself for settling for less than you deserve?"

ignorance is a social disease. someone please tell me there's a cure...